Current mood:

hopeful

It's so strange...
After being sick for like five days straight, and not leaving my house quite literally for those five days... I all of a sudden feel a lot better. Before then I knew I was really starting to get run down and really distant and very closed off. I knew I was falling into a deep mood and I didn't want to make anyone else suffer or fall into that mood with me. It has been really strange, but I think that I've reached a turning... or a breaking point...

Today was the first day I was able to actually pay attention in Calculus class and understand the material. Something I haven't been able to do within the past few months. It was an amazing feeling to suddenly be able to click it again and not be sitting there like I was in a torture chamber and just wanted to put my head down on the desk and sleep. I know it sounds geeky but I was so happy that I was able to do that, and I made up one of the quizzes I had missed in that class (that I had been avoiding like the plague) and it felt great. I understood and was able to answer every single question! I feel like I really got 100% on it!

I started on the hunt for a new job, calling a place that had an ad in the paper and they said they would call me back about it, so that's set in motion, and now I have to write a short story for English class. (YAY i"M WRITING AGAIN). My chest feels light, and a smile hasn't left my lips all day (except for fucking spanish one with the freshmen.. where I scared one of them into silence, that was great XD.. and a little later in the after noon when I was worried for a friend, but it's okay and we're going to talk later.)

For all of those who took interest and worry about my grandfather, I'm pleased to say that he's perfectly okay. Something went screwy with his diggestional tract and it was causing him a lot of pain, but it's fine now. Of course, my mom, dad, and I didn't know ANY of it until much later, (after my parents went to visit him for the day). I was so worried and it was just indegestion... oiy...

Anyway.

My last post I outlined a lot of my flaws as a person and it triggered a crusade of people IMin' me with a "WTF" response. Well, not really, it was more like a "So?" response. I don't know, I think it just felt good for me and was very theraputic for me to be able to just throw out everything that I thought was wrong with me. There are other things, I know there are, but I suppose that's not important.

And I figured out why people tend to like me, One of my friends put it very eloquently,

"You said you didn't know why people liked you... doesn't that only leave that they like you because... well, you're you?"
She told me after that many some people have tons of friends because humans like the IDEA of a person, rather than the person themself. She pointed out to me that because I have a fewer friends, and I don't know why they really want to be my friend, basically says that they like me just because I am me.

As she put it,

"Who else would chase after someone in zero degree weather when they're upset... with no coat on?"

Naive I might me. Immature I might be. But don't ever tell me that I won't be the front of the army to be there for my friends. There is only one problem to that oath:

They need to tell me first.

I'm bad at keeping up a routine (I'm amazed that I've posted so many times in livejournal so often, but there you are). And I constantly forget to click on my "friends tab" on livejournal. But I always saw LJ as a means to commicate to a group of people all at once that are NOT online at the moment, that I can't really get in contact with. But I suppose other people don't see it that way so I'm gonna try harder.

Sorry for the latest spew of long ass entries... but I just want everyone to know that I'm feeling much better after just stewing with myself and sleep for five days straight.

~Gizzy/Heika

P.S. Those who I hold dear know that I hold them dear... and if they don't. Then it is my failure, not theirs.